How to Decide

by Nancy Capers, LMFT#41057

How to navigate this moment in history? 

In my seventy-three years on this globe, reflecting on times gone-by, I wondered what would have happened had I made a different decision at some crucial point? Should I have had more children? Should I have left a relationship more gracefully? Or not at all? Should I have taken advantage of the plethora of opportunities with which I was presented and squandered? 

Probably. 

But we make decisions based on our needs at the time, with the information we have at hand. I'm not sure that making a different decision would have been

all that different in the long-run. We come into the world, not as a

blank slate as has been voiced so often.  

Should you have rejected the 60s by not joining that cult or taking too

much acid? Sure. But you did join and you did learn thingsyou may not have discovered otherwise. Like resilience. And learning how to be with another in the same room without

feeling pressured to have the right answer. Maybe youwere given responsibilities way before you were ready, but you grew into the role and were later grateful for knowing youmet the moment. 

Apparently, we come into the world with a list that would include: "An understanding that helping is morally good, and that harming, hindering, or otherwise thwarting the goals of another person is morally bad. A rudimentary sense

of justice—an understanding that good guys should be rewarded and bad guys should be punished. An initial sense of fairness—in particular, that there should be an equal division of resources. Alongside these principles are moral emotions, including empathy, compassion, guilt, shame, and righteous anger."

(The Moral Life of Babies, Yale Psychology Professor Paul Bloom finds the origins of morality in infants, Scientific American). 

And there are biological aspects, genes that play a large part in how our personalities are structured. Nature vs. Nurture. As we grow we develop in a myriad of ways. Even in cases of arrested development, life mostly thrives. We are ingenious. If life isn't working for us, we tend to re-adjust, and adapt to present conditions or bug out to find something different and hopefully, better. Which we're pretty good at, even when it's painful. We learn a great deal from painful experiences and grow in unexpected ways. Even if we've made a seemingly disastrous mess of our lives, if we're healthy, we learn how to be different. We change our habits. We try new things. We self-reflect. Or, when we don't know what to do, we don't do anything until we're able, safely. Even getting stuck in the "not doing anything" arena is fine. Even when it hurts. 

Additionally, be well-kept by keeping yourself in good stead. Keep yourself healthy - mentally, physically, and emotionally. Continue getting educated. 

Often we can look back on a decision that appeared perfectly rational at the time, but if we were to do it again we may choose differently. Of course we'd choose differently, because we have more data now than we had at the time. Maturation can take longer than we'd hoped. So, go gently. Work on being your own best friend, and get good counsel along the way. It is surprising how smart you'll be when a wise and curious other is on your side. 

How'd you wait out the pandemic? Did you do it in good form? Don't over-drink. Don't yell at your loved ones. Don't gain 30 lbs. Be optimistic. Do the best you can.  

You'll thank yourself later.